~Comicskyangel

It's been a long time since I've made a journal of my thoughts and feelings, and the only emotion I'm really good at expressing is anger. I figure though that now is an excellent time to be practicing on my other emotions.

Namely, sadness.

I'm going to speak my mind here and now, while I still feel like I do, so I can be honest with myself and everyone else at least for a little bit. I feel it's something I need to do.

My uncle died of a motorcycle accident on the 5th of this month (July, 2008). The effect it had on my mum and her family was devastating, to say the least. While it didn't affect me a great deal, I have realized just now that having someone close to you die is extremely similar to having someone break up with you.

Now, I've experienced my share of breakups in the past, and I'm no stranger to the process of being broken up with, or even with doing the breaking up. Despite what people may say, when you break up with someone, you do it for yourself. There is no other reason, other than YOU want something, and YOU intend to get it. Now, your want may be as appropriate as wanting to stop being hurt by the person, or it may be selfish, like you want to sleep with X but you're in a relationship so you can't.

Regardless, the core reason is you. I broke up with someone once because I really didn't care about them, and it was painful to me to act like I did. It wasn't my fault that I didn't care that much, I had actually been pressured into the thing in the first place. Even so, the reason was my personal needs, and of course, that meant I was doing it for myself.

Now, communication can do wonders for a relationship, and you can always tell when a relationship is on the decline because communication will become less and less frequent and the aggression between people will increase. Eventually, the inevitable end will occur. What people tend to not realize is how painful it is to someone who doesn't actually want that, especially if they aren't the one doing the breakup. Now, you may THINK that it's just as hard on both parties, but it never is. Recall here that when you break up with someone, you get something you want. The person being broken up with, on the other hand, is losing something they desperately care about, and not by choice, either. It will never be the same for both involved, unless the breakup is mutual.

What's worse is that people for some stupid reason think that breaking up with someone is the best time to talk about all the things you DIDN'T like about that person. That's so incredibly stupid I can't begin to describe just how moronic it is, and you know I have a way with words. Not only does that person hurt someone worse than anyone else ever could at that moment, but then they go ahead and kick them while they are down!

Naturally that person will get mad, and what ensues is often an enormous argument - something that should have happened INSTEAD of the breakup, but now it appears the person doing the breakup is out for blood instead of just a break up. Well, they get what they want. The "best" bit is that the person who was broken up with will then start to doubt themselves in the aftermath, eventually to the point where they start believing the horrible words of the person who they cared and trusted so much, which leads to a huge spiral of depression. To top it off, usually the person doing the breakup will feel much better having gotten all that off their back, and suddenly will be enjoying their life, while the other person kinda just stagnates in a pool of agony.

Knowing that someone (that you still love) doesn't care that you're falling apart right in front of them hurts even more than breaking up with them. You get to watch as they carry on with their life like nothing ever happened, and each day gets better and better for them as they move on without you. Meanwhile, your life gets worse and worse, because you'll never get back what you had, and you lost it just because that other person decided you weren't worth trying for anymore.

So, that's what I get to look forward to now. Despite the fact that I managed to avoid the argument by refusing to argue about the horrible things being said about me, the fact still remains that I've just lost everything I've tried so hard to make work. And in the end, I'll have plenty of time to dwell on how I spent 5 months working hard at a job I hated just so I could earn the money to support someone who decided they didn't want to be with me after all.

Or how in our last moments together, she told me that my feelings didn't matter, and that they were in fact guilt trips instead of me honestly being hurt. Or how minor stuff like that is and how simple it would have been to discuss and deal with at any other point in time but no, it just HAD to come out then and there. Or how my family, her family, and even most of my friends told me it wouldn't work, and how I told them I'd never give up on her and I'd make it happen, even if it meant sacrificing nearly everything I had.

And I get to watch her unsaddle herself of the oppression of being my girlfriend and enjoy her life now that she doesn't have to worry about my feelings getting in the way. I sure wish she'd chosen to do that months ago instead of telling me how she was going to leave school and come study in Australia, and planning together with me on how we would manage that. It would have been nice for me to be able to enjoy these past 5 months instead of working long, hard hours to pay for a trip that'll never happen. I sure wish she'd decided to give up on me BEFORE she'd told me she loved me, and I had said the same to her. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Heck, it'd be nice if I could take back all the caring things I said and did, so that I could be free of all this, just like her. It'd be nice if I could take back the time when I cancelled my flight out of the US and bought a ticket back to El Paso to be there with her as a valentine's day gift. It'd be nice if I could take back dealing with the bullshit of her friends being assholes to me. It'd be great if I could tell her to get off of me instead of just holding her the time she fell asleep in my arms while watching anime, so that the memory wouldn't be so goddamn painful now.

But no. Time only moves forward, and I know that if I don't as well then I'll be the only one standing still. I don't know the point in which I ceased to be an important part of someone's life and became unneeded baggage, but I sure wish someone would have told me then and there rather than letting me continue to believe I was important too.

But eh, whatever. It's over.
Heh, maybe if I tell myself that enough, I can start to believe it. I also bet I'll regret some of my words come tomorrow, but whether or not anyone else believes it, my feelings matter. So fuck pretending this isn't how I feel. I've never been hurt so bad and I'm not about to act like I'm fine.

And on a personal note, Jess, I don't want to hear any more excuses. It's not "helpful" to be told that I manipulate people, especially as you break up with me. It's even less helpful when it's not true, but more of something you FEEL is the case, and you've decided that you suddenly know the truth now that my feelings don't matter anymore, and neither does my opinion.

I know it's entirely inappropriate by your new standards, but I'm going to tell you how I feel anyway. I'm sorry I couldn't respect your wishes on that. In fact, I'm sorry about a whole lot of stuff.

I'm sorry that at some point loving me became a chore. I'm sorry that I had to put my feelings here instead of being able to have you listen to them in private. I'm sorry that I couldn't drop everything and come live with you. I tried, but if I had then my family would have fallen apart, so I know I made the right decision. I'm sorry you don't agree.

Most of all, I'm sorry you gave up on me. I want to tell you I wish you well and I want you to be happy. But the truth is that I want you to be miserable, because that's exactly what I'll be without you, and if you felt like I do right now then I'd know you at least loved me too.

And the ultimate truth is that I don't want to know how you feel, because I already know it's not going to be what I want to see. And now, I'm going to tell you the most inappropriate thing of all right now, because it's the truth too.



Thanks for the happy memories. I love you, even though you make me wish I didn't.

That's all I can handle writing for the moment. I'm going to go feel empty now, bye all.